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A listening ear you say? « Result #1 on Aug 9, 2008, 4:51am »
I'm a long time ranter, I can rant on about many things. Why people are stupid, why the internet is so broken, recently though I seemed to have stopped ranting and starting whining instead.
And its all because of a woman (what else).
Normally I don't talk to people, I don't go out and I even do my best to avoid using the telephone wherever possible. This is because I learnt my lessons about people from repeated experience, nothing good ever comes from interacting with humans.
Two years ago, she walked into my office and my heart started doing backflips there and then, this is not unusual as I work in a college, so every year the older women graduate away and a new batch of fresh young beauties is imported. Usually I just put this down to the collection of dangley objects between my legs and ignore it, which is what I did at the time.
Then, I actually got to speak to her in the course of work and realised she was bright, intelligent and a little bit mad, which kind of reminded me of myself.
One day whilst working on some equipment in her office, she offered me a coffee... now normally I'd just politely refuse, do the job and get out, avoiding any unnecesary human contact, not this time.
For some reason, something clicked and I wanted to hang around in her office for no other reason than to be around her... I realise now that this was when I started to love her.
It went on for a few more months like this, I was too scared by my past to say anything but I enjoyed being around her so I'd hang out in her office, her lab, drinking coffee, chatting.
Then one evening, it all kicked off and this is where the story really gets interesting.
By this time, we had started talking on the phone and exchanging emails regularly, even though I hate talking on the phone she likes to chat so I put up with it for her. This one evening, I was sad and lonely, we were talking about it, she suggested we meet up somewhere.
I walked out, she walked out and we met up about half way between, we took a slow walk back to my place (she wanted to meet my cat), she met my cat, then we took another slow walk back to her place.
Tis is when the absolute craziest month of my entire life began, first, before we even reached her house we stopped at a take away for some munchies where I somehow managed to get into a fight with two crack heads over a lighter.
Then when that had broken up, we continued to walk, she held my hand, my heart started doing those backflips again. (You have to remember, I've shyed away from humans for decades so I've never been touched, held a hand, had a hug.)
We reached her house, she invited me in, I couldn't believe my luck!
Well, I won't go into too many details, this isn't a cheesey romance novel, lets just say we had a nice evening, we talked, there was some wine involved and I got my hug... no sex though, although not for lack of trying (years of pent up instinct got the better of me) which pissed her off quite a bit.
At this point my lonely, sad but relatively stable existence turned into a rocket powered rollercoaster in a hurricane. She was angry the next day, it made me sad to see her angry and sadder to know it was my fault. We were still talking though, so things weren't that bad and I decided to appologise and make it up to her.
So I wrote her a poem, I even formulated a new form of romance involving complex numbers... and it worked! She smiled, said it was really romantic.. the rocket powered rollercoaster turned and climbed again, I went from bouncing off the bottom of existence to soaring through the heavens with joy again.
So things were back on track, the emails I sent her became more passionate, I wrote her everymore elaborate and beautiful poems but she never responded.... my rollercoaster started to plunge again.
We were still talking though, like nothing had happened, this was doing my head in.
I bit the bullet and went for it, and I told her "I love you".
Now the rollercoaster started to come off its tracks, she didn't feel the same.
I was down but I didn't want to give up, I still wanted to see her even if she only wanted a friend, every second spent around her lifts my soul and every second without I'm lonelier than I ever was before.
Just as I'm getting used to to this, just as I'm getting to sleep one evening (after four or five nights unable to get to sleep, just crying) the phone rings, its her number.
She's on the phone crying, really upset, so upset I felt really scared that something serious had happened to her.. she was ranting on about emails, and my poems.
I rushed to her house, she opened the door crying her eyes out so I comforted her and we went inside. Now it all started to become clear what had happened...
She never responded to the poems I emailed her because she never saw them, she had a weak password (she's not exactly l33t).
A jealous ex had been reading her emails for months and when he saw mine, he started fowarding them to people on her contact list but deleting them so that she never saw them.
The people on her contact list included her parents, now this is when the story of love found and lost turns into a web of deceit and lies.
You see, this woman works in this country but her family lives abroad, back home she has a fiance but she doesn't want to go back home, she wants to stay here. I already knew she had a man waiting back home, but it didn't bother me... because it didn't bother her. She'd been seeing men in this country, including this jealous ex who fowarded around all the emails.
So the emails go to her parents, who are shocked to see she's fooling around abroad, they also go to her fiance who is to put it simply, a psychopathic special forces killing machine.
So I'm sitting here in her room thinking soooo many things, working my way through my box of cigarettes in the process, trying to stay calm, then running out and working my way through hers aswell.
Amongst the things I'm thinking are:
I love her, does she love me, was she just holding back the same way I was holding back before. Was she just too scared to complicate things any further?
Would she have loved me if she'd got the poems?
Is this all my fault.. her crying, unhappy again because of something I did? Sure, it was her weak password that caused this blow up but if I had given up when she rejected me the first time, if I hadn't sent her those poems.. he wouldn't have had the ammunition to bring her down with.
Is she safe? Am I safe?
The phone rang, she answered it, it was her father making an international call... a very loud one. I think I learnt more new chinese words that evening that I've ever done before, none of them nice ones. At least now if I ever need it I know the chinese equivalent of 'You dirty slapper.'
So we can say things are bad, very bad. We are both just sitting there, not saying much, there isn't much that can be said, just holding each others hands tightly and wondering what the hell is going to happen next.
But it gets worst.
You see this all happened towards the end of the term, her research had wound up for the summer and she already had plans to go back home for six weeks over the holidays. She was torn, she already had plans, flights, arrangements when she got home. She had appointments to attend, her friend back home was getting married, she was supposed to be at the wedding.
So she decides to risk the wrath of an angry psycho and goes.
Where does that leave me for six weeks?
Well, I'm two weeks in now, and we have managed to punch the odd hole in the state firewall and get a few emails through. So we are still talking it seems, she still won't say those three little words, just ten little bytes... on the other hand she won't give me a definite no either.
So I sit here, on my rocket propelled roller coast in a hurricane, bouncing on and off the rails... some nights I imagine we do have something and sleep soundly dreaming about her, then the next day plumit so fast it turns my stomach and I have to really try hard to come up with reasons not to kill myself, last week I even got as far as writing the note and working out how much carbon monoxide my car produces.
I've started drinking too much now, it keeps me going, that and looking at her picture.
Just a few more weeks and she'll be back, we can talk face to face again and hopefully resolve this once and for all, one way or the other... the way things are now, I don't care which, the waiting is driving me mad.
I have found some things to pass the time though, like cross referencing internet providers customer databases with whois records with telephone directories... I found the address of the jealous thingy who fowarded all my emails around and /persuaded/ him to shut up.
Yesterday I went around looking for new houses to rent, I'm in no position to move at the moment but it passes the time.
And today, well today I'm writing this... oh, its written, that didn't take up much time, what am I going to do now?
Okay, so my parents decide that they don't want me to be that grown up teenager that all other teens are... so basically, they treat me like I'm six years old. My mom still calls me 'pookie' and other baby names, and they think the word 'suck' is a word that should never be used. When it comes to dating, they think kids shouldn't date until they leave the house (that means after college).
And what's worse, is they make me play the frickin' trumpet... of all instruments, and they won't let me quit. They know I hate clasical music with a burning passion, and I never ever ever want to listen to it, but they make me... every frickin' day!!!
And it gets even worse... My parents won't let me out of the house past 6:00, when I get home from school. AND they don't let me do ANYTHING during the weekends. It's just study, study study for school, and it pisses me off!!!!! GRRR!!
And then there's my cellphone. Someone stole my brand new cellphone, and my parents are making me buy a new one because it's MY fault the other one was stolen.... GRRRRR
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